My mantra for the past few months has been, "This is not my life forever." The newborn phase is extremely hard for me. I feel exhausted, trapped at home, I feel the baby blues, I'm just not myself. And nursing has NEVER been easy for me with any of my children. I have lots of problems and so do my babies. Despite these problems I managed to breastfeed Hayden for over a year and Reid for a year. I kind of wore this accomplishment like a badge of honor. I sacrificed and had months of pain, but it finally got better and I was proud of myself for enduring! So this time I felt like I was very proactive and got everything in place to address any potential problems that could surface. After Beckett was born the midwife checked out his mouth and thought that it looked like he was tongue tied. I was ready for this as Reid was and most likely Hayden was too, we just didn't realize it until her first dentist appointment. So the day after he was born we got him in to see an ENT. She barely looked at his mouth and instantly declared he was not tongue tied and that his jaw shape was the problem. Reid also had this jaw shape and it made it hard for him to get a good latch for several months, so I believed her on this account, but asked her if she was sure tongue tie wasn't an issue. Anyway, fast forward 10 days and I now had holes in my nipples and was feeling a lot of pain. Paul begged me to go to a lactation consultant, but I was very hesitant to go. I have been to so many with my other two and I know this may sound a little cocky, but I kind of feel like I know most of the strategies they use to help breastfeeding moms, because I have done them all! Well I finally decided what could it hurt and I am glad I did. Christi, my lactation consultant also agreed that he was tongue tied and got me an apportionment for the next day with a wonderful pediatrician who specializes in breastfeeding. She was such an amazing doctor that she has a 200 patient waitlist!!! The next day was rough because we went and had his tongue tie fixed in the morning and then went directly to have his circumcision performed by a Pediatric Urologist. It was a rough day for the poor little guy!
Anyway, now with his tongue clipped I was confident that things would get better. Despite the holes in my nipples, breastfeeding was already less painful and I was optimistic for the future. The only problem that I saw was that my nipples were simply not healing and I was getting really worried about enduring that pain. I also started to worry because Beckett was looking thinner to me and my breasts didn't feel very full ever. I didn't piece it all together at this point, I was nursing every 3 hours for about 45 minutes, I just thought he had to be getting enough. A few days later I went to his 2 week well-baby check up and he had lost of full pound! He weighed in at 8 lbs 12 oz and he was suppose to have regained his birth weight at this point. I was devastated and could not stop the tears from flowing down my face. My pediatrician was very calm and talked me through how to increase my milk. She also had me nurse in the office to see how much he was transferring. After almost an hour of nursing he didn't even get 2 oz. I also knew from my lactation appointment that he had only gotten an ounce in a half that feeding. I thought that first weight with lactation was a fluke and that there was no way he was only getting that much every time after an hour of nursing! From then on I was diligent about getting my milk supply back. I started taking 9 Fenugreek tablets daily, drinking mother's tea 3-4 times a day, and pumping after each time I fed him. I am so lucky that my body responded to all of this and I was able to regain my milk supply! I know many women struggle with low supply and after all these efforts they are not as lucky. I do recognize this blessing. So for the next 6 weeks I went to twice weekly lactation appointments to feed and weigh him as well as gain different tips and ideas as to how to make him for effective.
For the first bit it was going well until one night he absolutely refused to latch and nurse. He just arched his back and screamed and screamed. It was heart breaking. I know in my head that he was not rejecting me, but emotionally that's what it felt like. After about an hour of trying to latch him I decided it was not working and Paul went to the store and bought formula, which was also really hard for me! I'd never had to do this with my other children, but with my low supply in the beginning, I had nothing extra to give him. I think I tried to nurse him a few more times and it just never worked, so I decided to take a "nursing break" and solely pump and let my nipples heal. I foolishly thought it would only take about a week for them to heal, but in reality it took about 1-2 months! Anyway, I stopped on a Thursday and didn't have a lactation appointment until Monday. When I went back on Monday we were able to get him latched using the nipple shield. I was not too crazy about this idea, but it worked, so I was grateful at the time. I would later find out that he had developed "nipple aversion" because he associated my nipple with frustration since he could never get enough milk...even once my milk was fully back and there was plenty Beckett was never able to get it out in a timely manner and he continued to have an aversion to my nipple unless I wore the shield. The shield also comes with problems, it's hard for the baby to get all the milk out which again can lead to low supply for moms, so women who wear the shield still need to pump at least twice a day to maintain their supply.
I can't remember the date, but it was a few days before Paul would be returning to work after the holidays and Hayden would be back in school and in all her activities...I went in for my appointment, and he nursed so horribly and only got a little over an ounce
in an hour. He would suck and stop over and over again and when I'd get my let down he would refuse to suck. It was crazy! I was feeling very frustrated because it felt like we were going backwards. This is when Christi suggested I try the SNS (Supplemental Nutrition System). This was sad because we had used it for months with Hayden and I had terrible memories of it. But with Hayden it was helpful and got her to suck better. Beckett was somehow able to just suck the milk out of the SNS and only get 13 ml (there is 30 ml in an ounce) from me after the whole time we nursed. I could tell all of this because they let me borrow a scale and I was weighing him before and after I fed him. Each time I fed him he got less from me...I started thinking about how I was going to survive once Paul went back to work everyday and I was responsible for all 3 kids on my own as well as getting Hayden to school and her various activities. I knew I couldn't devote hours a day to breastfeeding at the expense of everyone else in my family. It was very hard because I had always identified myself as a breastfeeding mother. And stopping was just devastating and I felt like I was a quitter. I had to tell myself over and over again that I wasn't quitting, I was choosing something that would work for everyone in my life. I just felt like anything I had worked so hard on before in my life eventually got better and worked. I always gave things my all and I was rewarded with success. I felt like I gave this my all and I failed.
I talked more with my lactation consultant and she told me that she had consulted with some other colleagues and they told her that the babies they had seen who struggled like Beckett took "several months to get it and even then moms still had to triple feed." Once I heard that I for sure knew that I couldn't do this with my 3rd, she also told me in her 15 years of working as a lactation consultant she had never seen such damaged nipples. I think I also needed to hear that to know it was okay to pump and let them heal and that it was okay that I was choosing to let go of nursing. So each day I pump and bottle feed. It's funny because most people think it's crazy and talk about the time commitment being double. But after what I went through 12 minutes of pumping and 15 minutes of Beckett drinking a bottle feels heavenly!
I still struggle from time to time as I watch other moms breastfeed with ease while I am hooked up to a machine. I still wish I could have a positive nursing experience with Beckett, but we all have losses in life and this is just another loss for me. Each day gets a little easier and as I pump I tell myself, "this is not my life forever." I did get a strap that makes pumping hands free which has been way liberating! I can eat, feed Beckett if he wakes up early, type, seriously, it's made life better. I'm also producing a lot of extra milk so I'm able to freeze a lot. I'm hopeful I can quit pumping before the year mark and yet still have enough breastmilk for a year!
Proof that I have been pumping way to much! Reid has been so curious of my pump and has to try it out from time to time.
Despite these hard experiences some things that I don't want to forget about Beckett at one month old is what a smiley little guy he is! He seriously smiles more than any baby I have ever been around. He just can't help himself if you are smiling at him. He also started way earlier than any of my other children. I also need to remember and be grateful for what an awesome sleeper he is. I had to wake him up around 5-6 hours the first 2-5 weeks because I was worried he needed to eat! I only remember waking up every 3 hours 2-3 times since his birth. How crazy is that! I also want to remember how BIG his eyes seemed to me. He has always looked at us intently and he seems so aware!
Anyway, now with his tongue clipped I was confident that things would get better. Despite the holes in my nipples, breastfeeding was already less painful and I was optimistic for the future. The only problem that I saw was that my nipples were simply not healing and I was getting really worried about enduring that pain. I also started to worry because Beckett was looking thinner to me and my breasts didn't feel very full ever. I didn't piece it all together at this point, I was nursing every 3 hours for about 45 minutes, I just thought he had to be getting enough. A few days later I went to his 2 week well-baby check up and he had lost of full pound! He weighed in at 8 lbs 12 oz and he was suppose to have regained his birth weight at this point. I was devastated and could not stop the tears from flowing down my face. My pediatrician was very calm and talked me through how to increase my milk. She also had me nurse in the office to see how much he was transferring. After almost an hour of nursing he didn't even get 2 oz. I also knew from my lactation appointment that he had only gotten an ounce in a half that feeding. I thought that first weight with lactation was a fluke and that there was no way he was only getting that much every time after an hour of nursing! From then on I was diligent about getting my milk supply back. I started taking 9 Fenugreek tablets daily, drinking mother's tea 3-4 times a day, and pumping after each time I fed him. I am so lucky that my body responded to all of this and I was able to regain my milk supply! I know many women struggle with low supply and after all these efforts they are not as lucky. I do recognize this blessing. So for the next 6 weeks I went to twice weekly lactation appointments to feed and weigh him as well as gain different tips and ideas as to how to make him for effective.
For the first bit it was going well until one night he absolutely refused to latch and nurse. He just arched his back and screamed and screamed. It was heart breaking. I know in my head that he was not rejecting me, but emotionally that's what it felt like. After about an hour of trying to latch him I decided it was not working and Paul went to the store and bought formula, which was also really hard for me! I'd never had to do this with my other children, but with my low supply in the beginning, I had nothing extra to give him. I think I tried to nurse him a few more times and it just never worked, so I decided to take a "nursing break" and solely pump and let my nipples heal. I foolishly thought it would only take about a week for them to heal, but in reality it took about 1-2 months! Anyway, I stopped on a Thursday and didn't have a lactation appointment until Monday. When I went back on Monday we were able to get him latched using the nipple shield. I was not too crazy about this idea, but it worked, so I was grateful at the time. I would later find out that he had developed "nipple aversion" because he associated my nipple with frustration since he could never get enough milk...even once my milk was fully back and there was plenty Beckett was never able to get it out in a timely manner and he continued to have an aversion to my nipple unless I wore the shield. The shield also comes with problems, it's hard for the baby to get all the milk out which again can lead to low supply for moms, so women who wear the shield still need to pump at least twice a day to maintain their supply.
I can't remember the date, but it was a few days before Paul would be returning to work after the holidays and Hayden would be back in school and in all her activities...I went in for my appointment, and he nursed so horribly and only got a little over an ounce
in an hour. He would suck and stop over and over again and when I'd get my let down he would refuse to suck. It was crazy! I was feeling very frustrated because it felt like we were going backwards. This is when Christi suggested I try the SNS (Supplemental Nutrition System). This was sad because we had used it for months with Hayden and I had terrible memories of it. But with Hayden it was helpful and got her to suck better. Beckett was somehow able to just suck the milk out of the SNS and only get 13 ml (there is 30 ml in an ounce) from me after the whole time we nursed. I could tell all of this because they let me borrow a scale and I was weighing him before and after I fed him. Each time I fed him he got less from me...I started thinking about how I was going to survive once Paul went back to work everyday and I was responsible for all 3 kids on my own as well as getting Hayden to school and her various activities. I knew I couldn't devote hours a day to breastfeeding at the expense of everyone else in my family. It was very hard because I had always identified myself as a breastfeeding mother. And stopping was just devastating and I felt like I was a quitter. I had to tell myself over and over again that I wasn't quitting, I was choosing something that would work for everyone in my life. I just felt like anything I had worked so hard on before in my life eventually got better and worked. I always gave things my all and I was rewarded with success. I felt like I gave this my all and I failed.
I talked more with my lactation consultant and she told me that she had consulted with some other colleagues and they told her that the babies they had seen who struggled like Beckett took "several months to get it and even then moms still had to triple feed." Once I heard that I for sure knew that I couldn't do this with my 3rd, she also told me in her 15 years of working as a lactation consultant she had never seen such damaged nipples. I think I also needed to hear that to know it was okay to pump and let them heal and that it was okay that I was choosing to let go of nursing. So each day I pump and bottle feed. It's funny because most people think it's crazy and talk about the time commitment being double. But after what I went through 12 minutes of pumping and 15 minutes of Beckett drinking a bottle feels heavenly!
I still struggle from time to time as I watch other moms breastfeed with ease while I am hooked up to a machine. I still wish I could have a positive nursing experience with Beckett, but we all have losses in life and this is just another loss for me. Each day gets a little easier and as I pump I tell myself, "this is not my life forever." I did get a strap that makes pumping hands free which has been way liberating! I can eat, feed Beckett if he wakes up early, type, seriously, it's made life better. I'm also producing a lot of extra milk so I'm able to freeze a lot. I'm hopeful I can quit pumping before the year mark and yet still have enough breastmilk for a year!
Proof that I have been pumping way to much! Reid has been so curious of my pump and has to try it out from time to time.
Despite these hard experiences some things that I don't want to forget about Beckett at one month old is what a smiley little guy he is! He seriously smiles more than any baby I have ever been around. He just can't help himself if you are smiling at him. He also started way earlier than any of my other children. I also need to remember and be grateful for what an awesome sleeper he is. I had to wake him up around 5-6 hours the first 2-5 weeks because I was worried he needed to eat! I only remember waking up every 3 hours 2-3 times since his birth. How crazy is that! I also want to remember how BIG his eyes seemed to me. He has always looked at us intently and he seems so aware!
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